Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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