Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
