I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
