M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
