I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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