I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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