Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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