3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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