Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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