do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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