On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
