What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
