Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
