i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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