We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
