my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize