i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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