just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
