The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
