The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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