There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
