they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
