He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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