you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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