i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
