I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
