i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
