i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
