I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
