ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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