My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
