Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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