I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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