I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
