I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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