The maid of honor just puked.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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