My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
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