I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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