I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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