just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
