haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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