I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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