Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
