I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
