Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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