On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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