i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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