nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
