i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
