Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
