Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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