I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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