I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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